A LARGE HEAD
Every day, I wake up and look at the mirror
I remember the rice turning into sand
in my mouth
as I try to swallow.
I see your eyes, puffy and glazed over
a large head on a bony frame
with love buried under
layers of broken plates.
Does the muscle remember
of how you held me with such sweetness
in that photo
when I don’t remember
two giant hands wrapping me up
and dipping my whole heart in comfort.
When did your embrace curdle
that every time your hand touched mine, I washed it.
That I didn’t share my cup, afraid you might drink from it.
That I wrapped my feet under the table
so they didn’t have to touch yours.
Mom over at the aunties’
smell of freshly brewed black tea
mixing with kısır and poğaça.
I devour the company
the high-pitched chatter, the joy
as everyone polishes their silver.
My mom praises Yusuf.
A beauty marked in Quranic verses.
Thrown in a well by his brothers
who didn’t have
his black, bushy eyebrows, and eyes
the color of a dark forest
His smile that steals the heart of virgins
His thick, slick hair
smooth like a wild animal.
Every bit of his body
and his heart deserving of praise.
Takes after his mama, she says.
A bird of paradise, singing divine melodies
and showing off her plumage.
What about him? A finger points at me.
The plumage loses its sheen
and the song stops.
My chest filled with desire
to belong to my mother
to be her prophet
to be sung after.
So I did the next best thing
I enlisted in her war
and became her soldier.
I remember the flowers
on the plastic tablecloth
after breakfast under the blazing sun
on the dusty balcony.
Sat across from mom
letting her fill my cup
with the wine of a love
unrequited, left to turn into
pungent vinegar.
I gulped it like cool water
after days in the desert.
You called me one day
half the Earth between us
your voice carrying a terrifying warmth.
You talked about a dream.
Hugging me tightly, shedding tears together.
Just like in the photo.
Breaking bread and giving it first to me,
nourishing me with embrace.
Your heart, broken open over ones and zeros
the seeds spilling with blood-red.
I didn’t know what to do with
this warmth, the open heart
denied to me for a lifetime.
Now I know someone denied you
your embrace.
Someone enlisted you in a war
and made you into an expendable.
You fought for a different life
and all you had was a route.
We are on two lands
the paths springing from the same seed.
I wave my goodbyes to the sea separating us
take in the salty air one last time
and walk.